The Akatsuki Life
by UnhealthyIntrigue
Summary: Akatsuki, a group of bloodthirsty idiots bent on taking over the world. Their new member Saiyuri Shizukuo is a great beauty, intilgent and strong. When she finally joins the Akatsuki, she finds just how intersting the group can be. Rated M for cussing!
1. A new member

The Akatsuki Life (chapter 1)

The Akatsuki Life (chapter 1)

Leader Pein stood at the head of the dinner table, looking at all of the members of Akatsuki focusing on him as they ate the crappy chicken pot pie that Deidara had made...

"Listen up! Akatsuki has a new member! She is to be paired with Zetsu, since he's damn partner less!"

Zetsu cringed.

"You didn't get me another freak show did you?" Zetsu asked with a dry look on his face.

"Shut the fuck up. Anyway, here she is." Leader gestured to the door.

The door opened, and the new member walked in.

It was a woman, and not just any woman, an extremely rare type of beauty. Her long, silky black hair reached almost to her ankles, her skin was beautifully pale, and she had the face of an elegant Kyoto doll, with sharp red eyes.

The entire male population of Akatsuki was agape.

Deidara poked Sasori under the table.

"Dude, I look at her and I feel straight." Deidara whispered to his amigo.

Sasori looked at him wide-eyed.

"Holy shit man." Sasori mumbled.

Leader beeped a blow horn.

"Listen up! Our new member starting today, Saiyuri Shizukuo!"

The Akatsuki piped up as Saiyuri took a seat next to Itachi. Nice to meet you, Uchiha." she said as Deidara sat a plate of his supremely crappy chicken pot pie in front of her.

She looked at it for five seconds, and then looked to Itachi.

"What the hell is this?" she asked, her left eyebrow raised questioningly.

"Deidara over there calls it chicken pot pie, but one time when we ate it, Kisame fainted because it had shark meat in it." Itachi replied as he poked at the crap on his plate.

"….ok then…" Saiyuri said to herself.

After the Akatsuki finished dinner, they went their separate ways for desert.

Saiyuri ate a stick of dango at the table as she looked at the moon outside the window. All of the sudden, a scream rang out.

"GET BACK WITH MY CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM, BITCH!!"

Saiyuri walked out into the living room. Konan was chasing Hindan across the room. Hindan held tightly to a gallon of chocolate ice cream, Konan at his heals with a knife.

"SHITTY JASHIN WORSHIPPER!!" Konan screamed as they ran out of the room.

Itachi calmly sipped a milkshake on the couch as if nothing were happening.

Saiyuri's eye twitched.

"What the hell did I get myself into?" she said as she sat on the couch across from him.

"I asked myself the same damn question when I joined." Itachi said as Sasori ran through the room screaming, Deidara chasing him screaming, "LOVE ME SASORI NO DANA!!"

"This place is a gay bar…." Itachi began.

Hindan could be heard across the hideout.

"WORSHIP JASHIN-SAMA!!"

"a cult….." Itachi continued.

Pein and Konan could be heard in the next room.

"Konan, let's go on a date, baby…." Pein asked sweetly

"haha….HELL NO." Konan replied bluntly.

"….A host club….."

Kisame sharpened a knife as he walked though the room counting some money with Kazuku.

"….a group of mercenaries…"

"SUGAR RUSH!!" Deidara screamed as something exploded on the other side of the house.

"….an asylum…and…"

Sasori walked in and sat on the other side of Itachi and pointed to him.

"An emo farm." Sasori finished.

Pein walked in and stood before them.

"Welcome to Hell-I mean, the Akatsuki, Saiyuri-san."

Saiyuri looked at him with her mouth hanging open.

"You gotta be shittin' me." she muttered as she sunk deep into the couch.

Pein sighed. "It's good to have a normal woman here, although if you join the Akatsuki you can't exactly be called normal, she's still more normal than Konan."

"Hey…." Konan began, a scowl forming on her face.

Well yeah, remember Konan's first day in Akatsuki?" Itachi asked.

Sasori burst out laughing.

"Dude that was something. You just walked out wearing only your underwear and you didn't even think twice about it until Kisame said something….after two hours." Sasori said between extreme laughter.

Pein put his finger up.

"Also that one time…."

_(Flashback)_

All of the Akatsuki members were sitting in the living room minding their own business when Konan burst in wearing only a short, open kimono top and underwear.

"Hey Deidara, do the laundry, I need some more bras."

Pein who had been enjoying some green tea ended up chocking, so Itachi started pounding him on the back. To make him cough it up.

_(End flashback)_

Konan sighed.

"Good times, good times." she mumbled as she rest on the couch.

"Oh hell…." Saiyuri thought.

Itachi looked at the beautiful distressed girl next to him and smirked, giving her a smile.

Saiyuri looked back at him, a tiny blush appeared on her face, but it faded quickly.

"LEADER!! KISAME'S PICKING ON ME!! HE'S JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE MY HAIR'S BETTER THAN HIS!!" Deidara exclaimed as he ran into the room.

Saiyuri got up.

"I'm just gonna go to bed…."

"Yo Saiyuri!! You're rooming with me!! Last room on the right! the bed near the window's all yours!" Konan piped up.

"Yeah sure!" Saiyuri replied as she walked over to the room, opening the door.

"HOLY SHIT WHAT IS THIS?!"

There was crap all over the floor. Saiyuri gagged as she started to clean. When she was finally finished, she plopped onto the bed, and Konan walked in.

"HOLY SHIT WHAT IS THIS?!" Konan exclaimed.

"A clean room!" Saiyuri exclaimed from her bed.

"But when the room's clean I can't find anything!! I knew where everything was before!"

Saiyuri twitched.

"This life is gonna be interesting…" she thought as she finally fell asleep.

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And so starts the story of doom. please review and enjoy!


	2. Mornings

The Akatsuki Life (Chapter 2)

The Akatsuki Life (Chapter 2)

Saiyuri woke up, feeling something covering her face. She peeled off the object, submitting herself to the light of the morning sun. It was a manga book, which had been left on her face, flipped to a certain page. She looked at the page sleepily, but as soon as she laid eyes on it, she was wide awake.

"IS THAT SASORI AND DEIDARA?!" Saiyuri squealed as she threw the X-rated yaoi book against the wall, backing away from it in terror.

Konan, who had just changed into her Akatsuki cloak walked to the book, picking it up.

"Ah, so that's where I left it last night!" she exclaimed happily as she began to read.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Saiyuri cried as she jumped up, right eye twitching insanely.

"What's wrong Saiyuri? It's just guy love."

"Just guy love? Konan...that was smut. What the hell is wrong with you?"

"No it's not. It's love. And I'm a yaoi fan, formally, a fujonshi."

Just then, they were interrupted by the sound of a bell.

"I MADE BREAKFAST, BITCHES!!" Hindan screamed from the Akatsuki's dining room.

"Come on! Hindan's cooking isn't like Deidara's, trust me. You'll be fine." Konan said as she dragged Saiyuri from her comfortable bed and out into the base.

As they walked around, Saiyuri got a glimpse of how bingo book criminals start off their day.

"Anybody seen my tongue piercing?! I think it fell off somewhere last night!" Leader exclaimed as he walked through the hallway clad in orange stripped Pj's with rubber duckies on his button up shirt.

Saiyuri could only stare in awe.

As they walked past Deidara and Sasori's room, Deidara emerged, wearing a pink nightgown with little red ribbons, his hair in pigtails swung over his shoulders. He was limping and rubbing his behind in pain as he joined them on their quest to the breakfast table.

"You need help, Deidara?" Konan asked as she offered a hand.

"I'll be fine." he said as he limped on with them.

Saiyuri appeared confused.

"What happened, Deidara?" Saiyuri asked.

"Oh, nothing. Let's just say that Sasori decided to get horny last night." Deidara said as if it were nothing.

"……o….k….then…." Saiyuri mumbled, knowing she was scarred for life.

As they finally walked into the dining room, they found Hindan setting the table. He was clad in his Akatsuki cloak, a black apron covering the coat. Across the middle of the apron in bold white letters it read, "REAL MEN COOK."

Saiyuri took her place at the table next to Itachi, who was only dressed in black Pj pants without a shirt. His hair was still down, draped about his face.

A small blush appeared on Saiyuri's cheeks as she looked at his sexy face, his beautiful eyes, his toned chest, so hot, oh god he smelled so good…(Am I getting lost in my own fantasy? lol)

"….yuri…Saiyuri….EARTH TO FUCKIN' SAIYURI!! BREAKFAST!!" Hindan screeched as he waved a steaming plate in front of her face, setting it on the table in front of her impatiently.

Saiyuri snapped up, grabbing a fork and immediately digging into her breakfast, trying to get her mind out of the gutter. Surprisingly the food was pretty good thankfully. The goodness of the food tore her mind away from the dangerous position it had been heading into.

"Wow Hindan…this is not bad. What is it?" Saiyuri asked as she ate another forkful.

"It was the leftover from a boar I had sacrificed to Jashin last night. I just seasoned it a little."

"…sacrifice….?"

"Helz yeah."

Saiyuri got up from the table.

"Ok then, I feel full…." Saiyuri said as her eye twitched for the billionth time that morning.

Suddenly, Sasori bounded in………NAKED.

"Hey Deidara, where'd I leave my pants last night?" he asked as he stood at the door without a care in the world.

"Oh, I think I saw them in the hallway near the bathroom!" Konan said as she resumed eating.

Saiyuri couldn't take it. She fainted.

Sasori cocked his head to the side in confusion.

"What's wrong with her? Did Kazuku poison the food again or something?" he asked.

"No, it's just your lack of modesty….it's as bad as Sasuke's lack of hatred" Itachi replied as he shook his head in annoyance.

At that moment, Kisame walked in. He stared at the scene for a good three minutes.

"….Hahaha!! Sasori's neeeeekiiiid!!" he exclaimed.

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hahaa...I'm on crack. lolz, pls review!! Also, I'm a SasoxDei fan so please no flamming. It's only for the joke.


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